Lament for a Son

Wolterstorff questions whether his intense grief over Eric’s death might be misconstrued as loving Eric more than his other children. This leads him to contemplate the unthinkable choices faced by Jewish parents during the Holocaust, who were sometimes forced by Nazi officers to choose one child to save while condemning others. Wolterstorff concludes that he loves all his children equally, though each in a unique way. He describes how death has singled out Eric, making him special because he is mourned. The author notes that when giving thanks, he mentions all five of his children, but when lamenting, he speaks only of Eric.

The impact of Eric’s death on holidays and celebrations profoundly affects Wolterstorff. He describes these once-joyous occasions as now being the worst days, filled with tears instead of happiness. The author struggles with innocent questions about family gatherings, finding it difficult to respond when asked if the whole family will be home for Christmas. He also grapples with how to answer queries about his children, unsure whether to mention Eric or to omit him from the list. This internal conflict extends to questions about the number of children he has; sometimes he explains Eric’s death and sometimes he does not.

Wolterstorff explores the concept of peace, or shalom, in relation to death. He rejects the notion of living at peace with death, describing it as shalom’s mortal enemy and a demonic force. The author references the Book of Revelation, which promises an end to death and mourning in the future day of shalom. Wolterstorff expresses his intention to keep his emotional wound from healing, both as an acknowledgment of living in the “old order of things” (63) and as a form of solidarity with others who mourn.

A significant portion of the text is devoted to Wolterstorff’s regrets regarding his relationship with Eric. He provides a detailed list of instances in which he feels he failed as a father, including times he neglected to take Eric hiking, prioritized work over spending time with him, postponed writing letters, or got unreasonably angry. The author also laments the times he failed to console Eric when he was sad or didn’t adequately praise his accomplishments. Wolterstorff grapples with how to handle these regrets now that Eric is gone, ultimately deciding to accept them as part of his life and use them as motivation to improve his relationships with those still living.

Wolterstorff’s struggle with faith in the wake of Eric’s death is a central theme of this section. He firmly rejects simplistic explanations of God’s role in death, such as the idea that God actively chose to end Eric’s life. The author expresses his inability to reconcile his belief in God with the tragedy of his son’s death, describing it as an “impasse” and an “unanswered question” (67). He references C.S. Lewis’s anger towards God after the death of his wife, noting that while he himself is not angry, he is deeply baffled and hurt.

The text then delves into Wolterstorff’s altered relationship with God following Eric’s death. He describes his faith as wounded and yearning, exploring the concept of lament as a mode of addressing God. The author draws extensively on Psalm 42, noting the tension between lament and faith expressed in the psalm. He describes his faith as “emptied of nearness” and speaks of “thirsting” for God in the midst of his grief (71).

Wolterstorff reflects on how Eric’s death has changed him, deepening his understanding of suffering and making him more aware of the pain experienced by others. He acknowledges that while he has a greater capacity for empathy now, he still cannot fully comprehend the suffering of those in extreme poverty or facing national persecution. The author discusses the concept of coping, noting that death forces people to confront situations they cannot overcome but must learn to endure.

Wolterstorff then discusses the Christian perspective on sin and suffering. He notes that the gospel provides more insight into sin than suffering, explaining that sin originates in human will rather than in God. The author concludes that while some suffering can be attributed to sin or viewed as chastisement, the meaning of much suffering eludes human understanding. He quotes Isaiah and Pascal on the hidden nature of God, suggesting that perhaps it has been a mistake to think that God reveals Himself fully. Wolterstorff ends with the observation that while God speaks, He also hides, leaving many questions about suffering unanswered.