Still Life with Woodpecker

Their flight is turbulent, but Bernard isn’t nervous about the dynamite strapped to his torso. He sits behind Leigh-Cheri, admiring her red hair. Leigh-Cheri contemplates who she is and what her purpose and place are in the world.

Bernard dyes his own red hair black using tree bark and roots so the authorities can’t trace hair dye purchases. He takes “delicious pleasure” in hiding his true status as a redhead from the rest of the world.

When a handsome man starts talking to Leigh-Cheri, Bernard leans forward next to her. Bernard says, “Yum,” then explains that it is his mantra, the opposite of which is “Yuck.” Leigh-Cheri ignores him.

Maui was created by a volcano, and over time, was attributed with supernatural properties. Groups that believe in extraterrestrials are attracted to Maui, and there are many UFO reports there over the years. One of these groups is present in full force in the hotel lobby, and Care Fest decides to let them present the day before the conference begins. Leigh-Cheri checks in, sits on the lanai, and reads the newspaper.

Bernard has been a fugitive and outlaw for over six years. In less than a year, the statute of limitations on his crime will expire. He drinks tequila at the hotel bar. Later, he will blame tequila for the fact that he mistook the UFO conference for the Care Fest and accidentally blew it up.

Even though he is drunk, Bernard manages not to injure a single person with his explosion. When he wakes up hungover the next morning, he is embarrassed that he blew up the UFO conference by accident. He feels lucky that no one saw him do it, but he is wrong—Gulietta saw him.

Gulietta never became used to indoor toilets; she was outside the hotel, looking for a place to go to the bathroom when she saw Bernard plant the dynamite. She got back to her room just in time for the explosion to shake the building.

Bernard’s explosion changes Care Fest’s plans. Instead of the using hotel’s conference room, they hold the presentation under the large banyan tree outside. The UFO conference attendees are still there, including a couple that claims to be from a planet called Argon.

Leigh-Cheri is excited about the conference, wondering which parts of the program will still continue. She sits on the beach under an umbrella while Gulietta plays in the water. Leigh-Cheri is upset because a couple stopped her in the lobby to say that on their planet, Argon, redheads were considered evil, and that her hair color was the result of too much “sugar and lust” (52).

Leigh-Cheri feels better when a journalist from People magazine asks for an interview, and when she finds out Ralph Nader will still be speaking. Gulietta sees Bernard on the beach and tells Leigh-Cheri that he is responsible for the bombing. Leigh-Cheri places Bernard under citizen’s arrest.

Leigh-Cheri was still a child when Bernard, as the Woodpecker, protested the Vietnam War by blowing up buildings, and she doesn’t recognize him. Most famously, with the help of his Woodpecker Gang, Bernard blew up the University of Wisconsin’s chemistry building, inadvertently injuring a graduate student.

Bernard felt guilty about this, especially when he found out the man had been researching male contraceptives. He decided to start his own research into the topic and eventually landed on lunaception, in which women align their cycles with the moon. Montana Judy and some of the other women in the Woodpecker Gang were involved in his contraception experiments and grew tired of them, so Montana Judy turned Bernard in.

A year later, Bernard escaped prison. He decided that being an outlaw was different than being a criminal and vowed not to steal anymore. When a journalist wanted to interview Bernard, claiming that Bernard was a victim of the Vietnam War, Bernard rejected the journalist’s sympathy. His published response was that he was an outlaw, and one of the defining characteristics of an outlaw is the refusal to be victimized.

Bernard is a fugitive, and although there have been a few close calls, he hasn’t been caught. He also hasn’t performed any outlaw acts and looks forward to being able to do so again when the statute of limitations on his crimes expires. Despite this, the Care Fest bombing is something he feels compelled to do, but with under a year left in the statute of limitations, he finds himself arrested by Leigh-Cheri.

Leigh-Cheri recognizes Bernard from the airplane. He tells her that he could’ve left after the explosion—he had an escape by boat arranged—but stayed because of her. He also admits he has some dynamite left over and asks to buy her a drink. Although she is affronted, she is also intrigued, so she agrees.

In Seattle, Max and Tilli plot to arrange marriage for Leigh-Cheri when she turns 21. Max decides to contact a man he knows, who owns an NBA team, next time the man is in Seattle.

Leigh-Cheri and Bernard drink tequila and kiss. She says she doesn’t usually kiss smokers, seeing a pack of cigarettes in his pocket, and he throws the pack of Camels away, telling her he only smokes when he’s in jail. When Leigh-Cheri leaves for her People interview, Bernard tries to make a date for dinner and asks if she is still going to turn him in. When he tells her that he still plans to bomb the Care Fest, she recommits to turning him in before leaving.

In her interview with the People reporter, Leigh-Cheri reveals her idea for the Monarchy of Mu, an organization in which deposed royalty can effect global change. She suggests basing the organization in Lahaina, because the Hawaiian Islands are actually the last of the submerged civilization of Mu.

When he asks about her love life, Leigh-Cheri, still drunk on tequila, begins to cry. Later, the reporter will describe her as a romantic in his article, which is written on a Remington SL3.

Leigh-Cheri plans to turn Bernard in the next day, but by the time she wakes up, it is time for the Care Fest to begin. She is unable to find a seat in the banyan tree’s shade and feels her skin burning in the sun. Bernard appears with an umbrella, but she tries to ignore him. Before leaving, he tells her to look up, and on the underside of the umbrella, he has written the name of the boat on which he is staying.

Leigh-Cheri decides to turn Bernard in and leaves the lunch. The couple from Argon confront her about her red hair again, and on her way to the harbor, she considers dyeing it. When she gets to the right boat, she is surprised to see Bernard with hair as red as hers.

With his hair red, Leigh-Cheri recognizes Bernard but is unable to place him. He tells her that he is an outlaw, the Woodpecker, and by returning his hair to its original color, he has blown his cover just to connect with her. He looks at her with true emotion, thinking of the moon, but she leaves to return to Care Fest.

Care Fest doesn’t allow people to sell things at the conference, wanting to focus more on ideas than objects. The narrator points out that objects are more predictable than ideas and less open to manipulation. This point is supported by the way the ideas presented at Care Fest are manipulated by the audience and participants.

Because of the shortened schedule, the birth control and childcare panel presentations are combined. One of the presenters suggests that women shouldn’t be responsible for carrying a pregnancy to term, but instead, that burden should be taken on by the government, along with communal childcare. An elderly male poet on the panel objects, wondering what type of people will be raised in such an environment, and the crowd becomes rowdy. Leigh-Cheri, sensing the possibility of violence, leaves the presentation and returns to the bar, where she hears that the police have solved the bombing and arrested the culprit.

Back in Seattle, Chuck the CIA operative becomes convinced that Max has a plan to take back his kingdom. His conclusion is based on Max’s invitation to A’ben Fizel, the man Max wants Leigh-Cheri to marry, to attend a basketball game with the family when Leigh-Cheri returns.

When Leigh-Cheri arrives at Bernard’s boat, he tells her that the police arrested the people supposedly from Argon, thanks to an anonymous tip about two sticks of dynamite in their car. Leigh-Cheri knows that he planted the dynamite but also knows that he has one stick left.

Bernard tries to convince her to stay with him rather than go back to the conference. She is confused about whether she is paying attention to the right things, and he tells her that dreams tell humans what they are really thinking about. Bernard believes that outlaws act out society’s dreams and defines outlaws as different than criminals, because their job is to disrupt. When she asks about the importance of princesses, he tells her that they used to be very important and represent romance, which is still very important. When she says she doesn’t need a hero—or for him to rescue her—he reminds her that is not what outlaws do. They compare their hair colors and then their pubic hair colors.

While Ralph Nader is presenting at the Care Fest, Leigh-Cheri and Bernard are kissing. Before they have sex, he hands her a pill, explaining that it is an herbal contraceptive but that he will teach her lunaception later.

Later, Leigh-Cheri brings up the people from Argon, feeling badly that they are in jail. Bernard points out that if they really are extraterrestrial, they can probably get out of jail and that they deserved it for their comments about redheads. He promises to take credit for the bombing in 11 months, when his statute of limitations is up. They admit that they are in love.

As Leigh-Cheri’s chaperone, Gulietta makes a small protest when the princess and Bernard spend the next day together. Although Leigh-Cheri has had good sex before, she recognizes that sex with Bernard feels different because she is in love.

Leigh-Cheri feels like she should go back to Care Fest, but she hears it has devolved into a free-for-all and gets angry. Later, she proposes they use Bernard’s last stick of dynamite on it. When he refuses to blow something up just because he disagrees with it, she accuses him of having too many rules to be a true outlaw. Bernard pulls the last stick of dynamite out, lights it, and holds it over his head, upsetting everyone else in the bar.

Just before the fuse is completely burned down, Bernard extinguishes it in his mouth. He tells Leigh-Cheri to go to the hotel and pack and then to meet him at the boat.

Gulietta and Leigh-Cheri board the boat and leave the harbor. The princess and Bernard apologize to each other for the fight. They are talking about outlaws and princesses when an object with flashing lights flies overhead and disappears. The lights are every color but red. Many people in the area see the lights that night, and the police report that the couple accused of bombing the UFO conference escaped.

Leigh-Cheri wonders if the couple is really extraterrestrial and whether what they say about redheads is true. Bernard tells her about myths about redheads, including one that attributes many features of ancient civilizations to “Red Beards,” legends of which extend around the world. He connects redheads to the pyramids and the ability to harness power from them. He theorizes that, on Argon, redheads represent the moon, and the Yellow Hairs the sun, and they had struggled for power.

The smuggler whose boat they are on offers cocaine, and they each do a line. Gulietta does one as well, thinking of the snuff from her youth. The boat arrives at Honolulu the next day, and Leigh-Cheri and Gulietta fly back to Seattle, while Bernard flies off to an unknown destination.

Bernard has to obey the royal rules of courtship to woo Leigh-Cheri. He gives Gulietta a plastic frog filled with cocaine in exchange for putting a good word in with Max and Tilli. He tries to be a good suitor, but his visit is a disaster, and he accidentally kills Tilli’s Chihuahua. Chuck recognizes him as the Woodpecker, and after Bernard leaves, Chuck follows him to a nearby bar. An hour later, the FBI arrests Bernard.

The writer paints the Remington SL3 red and imagines changing even more about it, if necessary. He has several questions he wants the typewriter to answer, including how to make love stay, and is hoping the Remington SL3 is up to the task.